a feel a certain calm today

pretty unusual for a Wed. Early Wed morning I see my therapist and the shit gets stirred.

Today was different..

It's pretty clear that my wounds were early on. Pre-verbal and in the womb.Clearly I wasn't wanted and the pregnancy caused much pain and hurt to my mother. No suprise that I am so ardently pro choice. Pregnancy is a gift.. my own was wonderful.

my mother...was haunted by the darkness that came over her. The same darkeness that came and eventually took Stu. I told Nancy today that my mothers suicide attempt when I was 7 or 8 was in the bath tub. Same place I found Stu some 50 years later dead.

I truly married my mother.

Nancy thinks that my wounding has to do with past lives. It makes me head explode trying to "understand" this. But my heart knows it to be true.

I trust the process. Thats where the calmness comes from.

the pain so much I don't know what to do with it...

It's a combination. Not looking forward to the dental surgery and whats next. And Mary hit it on the head...it what comes up after. Looking for work, making a life for me all alone. No husband, and a daughter away at college with a life of her own.

I am fighting doing the exercises.As I am scared at what is underneath. I tried explaining to Cy that its the time of year. This time last year Dani was getting ready to go to Pittsburgh for 6 weeks.I imagine he had already decided to kill himself. My birthday is coming up and its this time of year that my mother attempted suicide when I was 7. In tn the bathroom, just like my dead husband.

emotional freedom techniques

work in the invisible world
as least as hard as you do in the visible

from Work in the Invisible
by Rumi


Yesterday we started the eft techniques. Through muscle testing she decided my emotional traumas were acquired before I was born. No surprise there. My mother had 2 children before me and before I was born had an abortion. This was the 50s and abortions were illegal but apparently one of my Aunts arranged one for her. Well she got pregnant again (me) and for whatever reason decided to have me. Fast forward to years later when I was trying to get pregnant. I finally did and it sent my dead husband into the darkness. Just like my mother. I remember telling him I was going to have this baby regardless of how he felt. And I did. And my own pregnancy was one of the happiest times of my life. I worried no more abut my weight, I had no menstrual pain. And it was actually a good time between the two of us. But the darkness came again for him too. And two weeks after Dani was born he was hospitialized for the first time.

I feel like I have been run over by a truck.